Trip Report 

Boat Handling Course - May 2001 
By James Anderson
Names have been changed (and revealed) to protect the gormless

Monday Afternoon
Leave work early to get to the lock up for about 4:00 & try to fix the radio with - shall we just call him Mr B (Admiral Burns). 

RYA Level Two course here we come. Prep the boat, inflate the tubes etc. Retard (Rich), Horny (Dave Lusty) & Sheepy (Flossy) turn up and join in. Sorted.

Get the boat out, hook it up to the lovely new tow bar on my car, even remember to raise the jockey wheel, and away we go - only the second time I have ever towed anything.
Drive along careful as you like & manage to get to Camber Dock without a single slip-up, feeling good about this.

"Well done" says Mr. B. "Not a problem at all with your towing there. A bit of maneuvering practice in a car park & I think you'll be fine to tow solo".
"Cool" I think. "High praise from one so reserved". Off goes Mr B., back to his mansion.

Meet Big Rhino (Ryan), Karl (Dez), & our Instructor Fifi (Fiona Borer) in the car park, say hello and then get the boat ready for launching.

Reverse onto Slip...nerves on the edge. 

Hurrah! The boat goes down straight and I ease the trailer wheels into the water.
"STOP! shouts Retard, I stop and get out. Whew. Success!

"Urrmm" says Big Rhino, "Maybe you should go back so the boat is actually
'in' the water, not going to hit the bottom".
Oops. Jump back in car and go back about another metre or two.

"Chocks away chaps" cried no-one, but it would have sounded good. In goes the boat, and off I go up the slip to drop off trailer & car.

"Bugger" I think, "Pay & Display doesn't finish for another 50 minutes." Oh well. I cough up the cash, and run back to the boat. Jump in, pull on my dry suit, put on a life jacket, and then things start going wrong. "DOH!" I say. Take off the life jacket and turn to Rhino. "Could you zip me up please I say in a sheepish voice". Much piss taking ensues, well deserved as many of you will know, this isn't a one off mistake on my part. Bollox.

Ah well, on we go. Retard takes the boat out away from the slip past the huge barge blocking half the harbour, and we're off.

Fifi (the instructor if you remember) tells him to go out over to the Gosport side, where there's a Port Lateral buoy. We're going to practice coming alongside. Well done Retard, touches up nicely to it and we could tie off, or jump aboard or whatever. 

"NEXT" cries Fifi. We each take turns, till it's my go. "Hey", I think, "This is easy, done it loads of times"...oops, not paying full attention I suddenly realise I'm 5 metres
away from the buoy, and the engine is still in gear. Flick it into Neutral and steer so the buoy comes up beautifully beside us, within touching distance, and then disappears behind us as we drift past.
Bugger.

Oh well, on to the next task, figure eights. Karl, being the last one to come alongside the buoy (perfectly I might add[git]) goes first. Flies through the figure eight around two buoys, and then has to do it in reverse. Splish splash splosh, in comes half the Solent over the transom (the back of the boat). Oops. Everyone else takes Fifis advice and moves everyone to the front of the boat when going backwards, the bilge pump doesn't have to work nearly as hard then. Forward we go, backward we go, forward we go, backward we go, until at last it's my turn. "Can't you go backward first "says Karl, "I can't be arsed to move from my comfy spot in the bow". "OK" says I, and off we go backwards. Round one buoy, nice and close like we were meant to, back towards the other buoy. Start the turn a bit late, turn more to compensate, heading for the buoy, oops, turn away a bit, round we go. Sorted.And then off again forwards, round one, round two. Hurrah.!!!!

"Over to that Pier now" says Fifi, "I want you to come alongside that ladder".
"Which ladder" says I,"There are two."
"Either" says she. "You choose"
"But no changing your mind halfway through when it starts to go wrong" chips in Rhino.
Yeah yeah.... So off I go, coming in at a 45degree angle like I was taught, cut the throttle, turn in drift along side. HURRAH perfection. Now to get away, back we go, reversing away, turn the wheel, forwards and we're off. Success. "NEXT".
Again we do it, Karl's quite good at this boaty lark, then it Sheepy's turn, 45 degree angle in we come, cut the throttle, oops, to late, TURN, bonk, we hit the pier, crush a couple of limpets, but hey, we're by the ladder, with only moderate fending off. Your go Retard. He's pretty good at this too. OK, Horny's go. In we come, cut the engine, turn, there goes the ladder, we keep drifting. Oh well, try again. That's more like it. "Right
then" says Fifi, "take her round to all those expensive yachts, and we'll try some three point turns in an empty berth". Yeah, like we're gonna find an empty berth...
"OK, just do it here then, in the lane between all those expensive yachts".
"Oh well " I think, "this is where we did it last week with Mr B. for the
first time, I was fine then".

Horny goes in, turns round comes out, not a problem. Back round the corner, drive into half a berth next to a yacht, and reverse out again. Karl's go, three point turn, no probs, goes into the berth, oops, it's still a metre from the side. Quick correction, luvely. Backs out, Sheepy's go. Oops, a bit close to that yacht, well recovered, out again, in and reverse out. Retards turn. In he goes, turns the wheel, round drifts the boat,
turn the wheel the other way, into reverse. No Retard the other reverse as we jump forward briefly, he catches it reverses, drives out and then does the little parking thing. 

My go. Drives round to the lane, swings in close to the right starts to turn, SHIT THIS THING STEERS FROM THE BACK. I'M TOO CLOSE. Oh Fuck... Fend fend fend panic blip the throttle, nearly send the instructor over the side, miss that yacht, clip the rudder of the next one.
bollox.

Oops, lets try that again, starting in the MIDDLE of the lane. The MIDDLE you idiot. OK, fine. Go forward, turn go in reverse, turn, or not, turn a bit more, go forwards and out. Much piss taking from all my kind friends. "Shall I do that again" I say. "No" comes the reply. "OK", drive into the berth, fine, reverse out, fine. "OK then" say's Fifi when the piss taking has died down. "We're going to turn the boat in it's own length against the pontoon. I want you to come in by that cleat over there, so we can throw the painter (the bit of rope at the front) over it."
"What, that cleat just in front of the incredibly expensive Formula One Yacht" I say. "Yep". oh dear I think. Oh well, in I go, staying WELL clear of the yacht, just miss it, back up a bit and we're there. That wasn't so hard. Flick the painter over the cleat, turn the engine, throttle forwards, and the boat turns on it's bow., and back again. NEXT, turn one way, turn back, NEXT, and again and again and again.

Retard's last, so he drives round to near the buoy where we started and we do some anchoring stuff. Horny throws the anchor over the side. Once it touches the bottom, Fifi tells him to tie a figure eight knot in the rope and clip on the painter. "A what knot" quotes Horny. He ends up just tieing a simple knot in it, on goes the painter, we drift back, cut the engine and sit there happily moored. Start the engine, pull in the anchor
and then it's Horny's turn to drive. I throw the anchor over, it hits the bottom and I think "Hey, I read a book on knots yesterday, I can do a proper figure eight knot. 30 seconds of crochet later I clip the painter onto a figure 32 and a bit knot and we repeat. My turn to drive, in it goes, someone sensibly just ties a simple knot, and then we pull it in again and swap, and repeat, and repeat. Sheepy goes last, so drives back to Camber dock to finish for the day.
We get back to the slipway, and Sheepy drives up to the side a bit fast, but no damage done.
Out I leap, up to the car, drop my bags, go back to the slip, get Rhino to unzip my dry suit, back to the car, round to the trailer, hook it on, and drive to the slip.
Reverse it down, small correction due to the building work on the slipway, and into the water.
Pull the boat onto the trailer, drive up the slip, Smell that clutch plate burning phew. Park up and then get the trailer sorted. Remember everything Mr B. taught me at the weekend, check the trailer, check the boat, everything's fine. Wait for Retard to finish changing, then off we go back to the lockup.

Driving through Old Portsmouth I say those fatal last words. "Spot the growth in confidence Retard, Third gear, and not crawling along at 15mph".

What a mistaka ta maka.


We drive along towards the lockup, pass under the bridge, over a bump in the road (at 30mph) Thump, the boat bounces about a foot off the trailer.
"Shit", I think, but it's still there and I slow down a bit. "I hate these corners" I say to Retard as I approach to the left - right 90degree bends in the road with parked cars narrowing an already narrow road. But I did it fine with Mr. B on Saturday, I'll be fine I think. Take the first bend nice and wide, and the second bend nice and wide, veer so slowly. I look in my wing mirror and see that the right trailer wheel is going to clip the
kerb. It'll be fine I think. A bit more power and the trailer comes round the corner fine, just polishing the kerb stone a bit. Pull up outside the lock up, jump out, and Rhino shouts "DO YTOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID".

"Yes" I say meekly

"You bounced the boat about a metre off the trailer",

"Not quite that far" I say, getting all defensive - mistake.

"And you nearly popped the tyre on the kerb"

"It's still intact, no damage"

"Are you sure"

"Yes"

"Have you checked"

"Yes" I lie, though I'm sure that I'm right

"AH HA, so you checked, well you must have thought it was damaged then"
bollox, catch 22, can't exactly say I haven't checked now, but surreptitiously check it a couple of minutes later just to be sure. Phew, no damage.

Others get the hose ready while I start to take the trailer board off.
Hold on, what am I doing, the trailer board stays on the trailer here.
Start to put it back on, then get distracted by something. 

"Can you back the boat up a bit" says Rhino
"Sure". I leap into my car, start it up, back we go (you can see what's coming can't you)

CRACK

"SHIT, what was that". Look in my mirror, the trailer board cable is lying on the road caught under the trailer wheel. Horny tries to pull it out, I go forward a bit, CRACK, "BOLLOX". Horny frees the cable, and I reverse.

Out I jump, run back and look at the board. Oops, half the wiring has been
pulled out. More shit from the Rhino. Well deserved. Accidents happen though, and at least now people have a reason to take the piss and aren't just doing it for the hell of it.

Sling the trailer board in my car, looks like I'm doing some wiring this evening then.
Wash the boat down, put it away, and home we go. 

Get a call from Mr B.
"Bring the trailer board round here, we can compare it to mine while we
re-wire it.
"OK".

Well the cable was too long anyway, it needed shortening.

the lesson all you lovely people who've bothered to read all of this.

DON'T GET OVERCONFIDENT (applies to diving as well as towing, and indeed
probably pretty much everything)
WHEN DRIVING THE BOAT - TAKE THINGS SLOWLY